What it is, I couldn’t even begin to explain, but I know that of late it has begun to ebb from me in a tide of other people’s problems. It is perhaps for this reason that I am drawn to the stillness of the dark. Recently, these moments have become sacred to me. They are my time of reflection, my time without limits – but more than anything, my time to heal my aching soul. I cling to them as a dream and hope that one night, I might stumble across a dawn.I am walking along the shoreline, gazing at the stars’ reflection in the sea. Everything is silent apart from the hush of the waves and the fluttering of the breeze through the palms. It is mid-November, and unseasonably warm. The moon hangs large and low over the ocean, illuminating the scene with the pearly glow of fairytales. It is dreamlike, yet very real. I can taste the salt in the air and detect almost every ripple in the dark shimmering expanse before me. The beauty of the moment intoxicates me, and for a few moments I so. The soft fabric I felt against my skin and lightly tentedpanties reminded me that I was wearing a nightie, and as I realized whatday it was, I felt my heart begin to beat rapidly in fear, excitement,and anxiety, but I couldn't place whether it was fear about today andexcitement that my ordeal was over, or excitement about today and fearabout what came next.The last few weeks had been a rollercoaster of emotions I was barelyprepared to process now, let alone in those moments then. My mindfluctuated so hard every day between loving my new clothes and wanting tokeep going and accept my feminized persona and be Lily with Erin all thetime, and hating what I had become, wanting it only to be over andregretting that I ever had to be chosen in the first place. I loved mynew clothes and I loved Erin, but I was ashamed to love them like I didand I was afraid of what others really thought of me. I remembereddressing up for our date in one of my favorite outfits of the wholeexperience. She said.
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